Dear Bitch,

You BITCH!

See what I did there. Making the text big, bold, and red. It's supposed to show that I'm angry. Did it work? Hope so...

But just in case, I'll do it again, if for nothing else than dramatic effect.

YOU BITCH!

I'm sure you're curious at this point, so I'll elaborate. 

You think you can blame my friend for your instability? You think he's selfish and that his entire purpose in life was to break you? Guess what? That just proves you are an unstable idiot who is in fact NOT over him.

I see that face forming. You wanna say things and are probably even yelling at your monitor as you read this, which in all honesty you probably aren't, cause you don't really even know who's blog this is and are therefor less likely to read it.

Tangent. Sorry. It happens.

You are clearly not over him because I'm gonna say in 95% of life cases, if you are actually over someone and completely moved on, people don't need to write a lenghty winded blog about how evil their ex is. You may think you are in that 5% but I know that you are not. You broke up with "the vaccum" (I guess thats what we're calling him) because yeah maybe you were happy, but you were shown that you could be happier, and with a better looking guy. Cause, in complete honesty, I kinda judge you that you let his nasty swine lips ever get near your face. Even if he's the nicest guy, he tops out at 5 while you're at an 8.5 at least. You let yourself get bamboozled into settling for a 3.5 degree gap in hotness? Seems kinda desperate.

Even then, all of those angry things you ranted about. Yeah, all of those things are examples conjured and skewed by a woman scorned. You clearly still have some feelings for my friend or you wouldn't go on such a passionate rant. If letting reminisant bullshit spew from your mouth is the only way you can justify your decision to marry someone you are NOT in love with (I deduced this because not once in your little fit of a blog did you say any variation of the words "I LOVE HIM". You said he makes you happy. But a soda makes me happy. Doesn't mean I should marry it.) then I feel very sad for you. Because that is pathetic. AND bitter.

And now you have ruined my friends day cause of your little shit-fit. So once again, I have to say it. Loud and Proud.

YOU PATHETIC, BITTER, IDIOTIC, COMPLACANT BITCH!! 

Dear Day Off Clouds,

I have noticed recently that it seems to be gloomy on all of my days off.

JUST LOVELY.

Gloomy and alot of time to sit and think. What a perfect combination for me.

On days I'm working, I don't mind a little cumulo-nimbus above my head. In fact, I encourage it. The weather is more likely to be cool and when your job is nicer when its cool out, it makes for a pleasant work day.

But on days off. Well, I want sun. I want sun and plans. And I wanna not sit at home thinking that it's completely impossible that you'll ever want me again. I wanna not think of Sam touching you. That thought makes me naucious. I wish...well I wish a whole lot of things but foremost I guess I wish I wasn't scared then. I wish I hadn't've freaked myself out. I wish I would've been ready.

I can't do anything about that now I guess. I want so intensely to tell you how I feel. To tell or show. But you're not making either of those easy. I suppose in hindsight, it shouldn't be so easy. I screwed up, and if the chickFlicks tell us anything, its that the guy will have a hard time redeeming himself. But I'm trying.

I also have to accept the possibility that you don't want me anymore. That even some grand gesture would fall on deaf ears because nothing I can do can make you feel for me again. I think that is probably what is holding me back. Because I've done/been  this/here before and it caused some serious self-confidence issues. I wanna jump into it with you, lay all my cards down. But its quite possible rejection would tear me apart. But if it worked and you still had feelings for me, that would make it worth it.

Both sides are steep. I have to realize both sides are probably steep for you too. So once again, we're here. Between the realms of confidence and fear, stuck in the center.

I wish these clouds would get lost.

dear to-whoms-it-may-concern,

I just spent the last 30 minutes crying. Not quite "Natiri watching her home on Pandora being destroyed before her eyes" bawling. But defintaly more then "a single tear was shed". It was more than I have cried in two years. I hate it.

Crying SUCKS!

Today was aweful. I did my very best to make it ok. But my best, as usual, was not good enough. My best friend won't speak to me. I have no clue why. I would love to know, but I tried to break the silence and it was met with a replugging silence. I wanna fix it. I'll do all the fixing. I need to know what I did wrong though. Which means either the silence needs to be broken or our friendship is gonna be jacked up forever. I'm sorry. Please tell me what I did to upset you.

Dear Boredom,

I am not sure how or why you affect my day so thuroughly. I have to rack my brain to think of any means to be rid of you. I think I know, then its gone and you're back.

I HATE YOU!

I want you out of my life. It's because the job is entertaining. I mean, It's rough on my body and often reduces me to a wheesing lump, but it's so far the opposite of boredom that when I'm away from it its like I'm going through withdrawls. Which makes me sound like I'm addicted to my job. And you know what? I don't think its a problem.

I am addicted to my job.

I said it. So its official. But there will be no rehab for me. You know why? My job is whats keeping me healthy. I'm in fairly good shape and only slightly insane.I'm working on the insanity. I'm pretty sure the insanity doesn't have any direct correlation to my line of work.

I went on a tangent. Sorry. Just listen boredom. You think you're all powerful and will defeat me but guess what?

You won't beat me!

Good will always win in the end. I will never give up. So I suppose this battle will rage on till one of us is extinct.

BRING IT ON! BITCH!

Dear Sir,

I yelled in the car. So I wouldn't yell on here. But seriously.

RAAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! GAAHHHAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
FUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

What the hell!?

Dear Yellow,

I don't fully comprehend why you are being stupid right now. Well, I suppose technically you were always stupid, it's just manifesting itself at the moment.

How can you demand sympathy from friends when you are unwilling/unable to try and understand their situation? On top of that, how can you not care that that affects other people in a negative fashion?

I really wanna think you aren't that dumb.  You are such an intelligent person. How are you not at least somewhat street smart? I talked to someone today about you and I now realize you have been like this for a while.

You think you need to put up walls. And if someone gets past the wall you seem to be under the impression that you no longer need to filter your mouth. But I need to tell you sister; there be a ton of lead dripping out.

I don't know if talking to you would even help. I want you to be a better person than this but you can't help someone unless the awknowledge the fact that they need it. I'm just afraid if you don't at least start working on being a nicer friend soon, you are gonna loose friendships that you need. People will only put up with crappy treatment for so long before they walk. So I'd get on that.

Before you're left alone with your premiums.

Dear Oakes,

I miss you. A lot and all the time. I see you and I miss you. I don't see you and I miss you. Like I said.

All. The. Time.

"Dance Anthem of the 80's" popped up on my iPod. I have been trying to avoid this song. You know why. I hear it and I think of when I showed you the song, sitting on my bed, and you started grooving to it. It got past the beginning "you-ou-ou-ou ah-ah-ah-are so swe-ee-ee-eet" and you got this big smile on your face.

I miss that happy smile. I don't see it anymore. It makes me sad to think that it's possible that it never happens anymore. It has to, right? You can't just stop smiling. It's not like drinking or eating sweets. Not something you can help. It's involuntary. Well, it is when your open to it. Are you not open to it?

Went on a tangent. Pulling it back in. I miss you. But I can't say it. Friends advise against it. I don't know that it's a good idea either. I don't know that I can be what you need, what you deserve. I'm working on it. Maybe someday...you know. If you wanted me back.